I think I'll be brave

I think I'll be braveStarting with youBut I'll fall away if you tell me toI'd rather be wrongThen hope that I'm right'Cause I can't go on with this all inside
I think I'll be braveAnd say how I've wanted you
Going around inside my headTrying to talk me out of itSo lonely...Too lonelyIf there's a possibilityYou turn and run away with meI need to...To show you before it fades
I think I'll be braveStarting with youBut I'll fall away if you tell me toI'd rather be wrongThan hope that I'm right'Cause I can't go on with this all inside
I think I'll be braveAnd say how I've wanted you
Over the bridge and down a waysFar off ahead I see a faceI follow, it's swallows meWhere do i beginWhenever you say you let me inI need to...To show you before it fades
I think I'll be braveStarting with youBut I'll fall away if you tell me toI'd rather be wrongThan hope that I'm right'Cause I can't go on with this all inside
I think I'll be braveAnd say how I've wanted you
Say how I've wanted youSay how I've wanted youAnd say how I've wanted you
I think I'll be brave
Going around inside my headTrying to talk me out of itSo lonely...

"I think I'll be brave, starting with you", those words that I wished I could say to you. For once, be brave, starting with you and I know you will say to leave the rest to you. Just be brave for this one time and don't let go. In the dark, with all my might I pried your hands off mine as the rest clapped off to the SDE. Don't you know how tightly my heart hanged on to yours? As your eyes gripped onto mine, daring me not to let go. I know that if I let go this once, it will be forever, and you know it too well, too, but I did it anyway.
I'm sorry, again that I cannot be brave, for you, for me or for us. I'm sorry it has got to be all your pain, your sacrifice, more than mine. 
Till we meet again, I hope I will be brave. 

Feeling blessed...

Had a tragic storyline added to my life recently, all in and out within a week.

The most tragic, short lived and hooha crush I have ever been into. Feeling so blessed that I found out not too late. It was good while it lasted, brought silly smiles to my face for a few days. Glad that I had his company for a few short days, though it didn't seem to be what it was. Brought my stress level down by few notches with him there. 

I brought upon a turmoil in the social media world, it could be well a great case study of how one person can run, but can't hide in the Internet. It was hell scary to know that if you want to find out about someone, you can and you would. 

Cannot thank the girls enough for being there for me through and through, for all the mean jokes and the genuine concerns, really I appreciate. Felt so blessed that I was saved right at the nick of time, before I fell even further than a crush. Everything was just luck; lucky that I didn't keep quiet, lucky that I had the strong hunch, lucky that it was quick, lucky that even the radar failed - another radar popped out unexpectedly to tell the truth (ha!). Blessed, really...

21-12-12

Then before he left, he said, "It's not gonna happen isnt't it?". I didnt turn when I asked, "What? The end of the world?! No laahh, you crazy ass!". He kept quiet and when I turned I saw the tinge of hurt and disbelief in his eyes. That's when I realised what he was asking. My turn to keep quiet, really not knowing what to reply him with. The truth or the lie, both will hurt him as badly. In the end, he breathed a deep sigh and the hurt in his eyes deepened. Then his last words to me, Merry Christmas...

My heart winced and hurt as bad too. If only I could love him as much as I hurt for him. That would be perfect. This might be the end of his world with me, but surely another world will begin soon with another girl for him.

Flowers blooming

But my feeling hasn't....
What is it that's keeping me back. The fear of commitment? The fear of having a relationship turbulance? Or maybe just isnt him.

Confession of a daughter

This post, sparked by a question asked by my boss of how my Mom managed to power above us. Seriously, my Mom is the gentlest woman you will ever meet. All my friends love her, like the Mom they never had they said.

It's truly a wonder how our relationship is still closely knitted. It's build from age zero. I have stayed away from my parents for my studies for at least 15 years, yet the values my parents taught me stay etched in my mind. This showed how crucial early communication is.

My sister - age 34, my brother - age 32 and myself age 27, you would wonder how the phrase, "I will tell Mom", so often used. It will send us to a little frenzy and send conscious reminder for us to behave. Well, nothing big, mostly stuffs like over shopping, too much eating and lazing, but damn it the 4 words worked like a charm.

My parents believe in the value of communication, endless reminders of what's good and what's bad. It's being told to us thousands of times that whatever we do in life, their words are the first thing we consulted unconsciously. Live with integrity, honesty and dilligence is what matters most.

Hell, presently people believe in sparing the rod. My brother, the most playful of us all, got the rods more often than not. Many disagree on Mom's way of teaching, but I have always believed it's the best. He himself always said, "That would be me if Mom didn't beat the hell out of me", whenever he saw young adults got into young adults problems.

Look at our younger generation, blatantly so rude to elderly, uttering vulgarities at early primaries. Such a sad generation. Mostly is due to parents having no time to take their own children in hand. No time to guide them, communicate with them. Since we were little, we knew Mom would punish us if we utter vulgarities. Until today, it becomes a great habit. What's most important, my parents never used vulgars at home as well.

I have observed from people close to me, there is a type of children who is most disrespectful to everybody, especially to their own parents. Nope, they are not from broken family. These kids, from the public eye, will come from a perfect wealthy complete family. Why are they misbehaving then?

This is where money comes in. Those kids that have unlimited resource of money. Those who knew they can buy anything and everything with their parents money, would think that they can buy the world as well.

Parents, hold your cash!! It's true that you want your kids to be happy. To pamper them in all the most expensive and luxurious things that your money can buy, things that you never had when you were young. You grew up fine without it and your kids would too. Let them know you have the power over your own cash, dont let them threaten you for money that they dont even earn for themselves.


.... Tbc

Geezz.....

Like a chair hit to my face, this verse did the same to my heart. I knew something is wrong with me.

"Don't be someone that searches, finds and then runs away".

Definitely, I am that someone. God help me...

Emoo

Uncle Bert always said we can't say this word emo as only Bimbos use it. Makes me feel like huh?!
Sometimes felt that bimbos has the better part of the world, not knowing anything, oblivious to their surroundings, but can they feel love, too? I don't know, just rambling here...

Anyway, felt like leaving on a jet plane! And I am leaving on a jet plane on thursday or rather a boeing 777 to Bangkok!
Fully paid by my most of the time lovely bosses, seriously they are lovely bosses. First time to Bangkok, can you believe that? Gonna shop and shop and eat and eat!

Sherina Munaf - First and Last Love
Translated by Yours Truly M.M.

At first there wasn't anyone able
to keep me hanging on
in times of sadness

At first I locked my heart
just for me and myself alone
now that you are here,
it seems that my worry and my loneliness tears are gone

reff:

You made me ask
You made me find
About this feeling
I can't understand
Would it be the same
if it wasn't you
And then your smile made me realise
that you are my first love and my last

At first it wasn't easy
to even smile in this life
that is full of darkness

At first there wasn't a need
to share as no one would understand
now that you are here,
it seems that my worry and my loneliness tears are gone

repeat reff

If there comes a day you would leave
Please don't force me to find a better one
As your smile made me realise
that you are my first love and my last

repeat reff

Injured

Probably my own fault, anyway, but still need some time to get over it.
Love, friendship and all the what nots, in the end, when the time comes to choose, you didn't choose me.
Pain, but just for a while. Heartbroken, probably will be feeling pissed at all human beings for a while, but I will surface again brand new.

Friendship, why it's always when I have something good coming my way, my friendship never last? Why can't you be happy for me? Is it only when I'm down on my knees, crying, you will stood by my side, hearing me out. Yet, when I'm happy, you are never happy for me?

Hmmpphh... probably for the best, it's the end of the year, clearing rubbish from my life, both in my cupboard as well as in my heart and mind. That way, only the best will last for a brand new next year.

Did I mention I'm loving next year already? So excited for new opportunities to work alongside my hobbies, singing and photography. Will have outing next week for shooting in town, as well as outing next year January in Melaka. Oh oh, and April and her friends barkday bash. Hope everything goes as planned and we will welcome 2012 with a big big bang!

From strangers, to friends, to lovers.

We have always thought who we love is special, one of a kind, different. That's why out of millions of people, you fall in love with just one. From strangers, to friends, to lovers. Everything is beautiful in its own way. Happy tears, painful laughter, the world is upside down, all in the name of love. When love is gone, though, from love to hate, nothing is different, it's all the same bloody mess. From lovers to strangers, again. To see someone whom you have known so much, yet when you meet again, you know nothing. Has love changed you or them? It's a painful cycle, but time will heal, but how long will it take? One week? One month? One year? or painfully slow 10 years? Will you love another when you are recovering from that pain? Or will you never again love another the same way, but again in another different way? After all, when you are in love, we are back to square one, they are always special, different?

Happy 26th

Collecting all the pieces of hope, putting them together into the puzzle of life, framing it into a beautiful memory.
And that's what we are going to be, framed, seen, felt but unchangeable. Let this be the turning point of my life, let me be more truthful to myself, my heart and my soul. Just let me be a happier being, or just let me be who I used to be. Enough of saying to myself, "If you are not coming back for good, then don't come back at all", yet somehow I still wished you came no matter what. So tired of you making and breaking your decision. I think it's time for me to decide for myself, to end it all. A closure.

Happy 26th to me and 27th to you, wherever you are. Let's be happy....

Jar of hearts

A song I found recently on YouTube. Strong lyrics, apparently the singer wrote it herself over her own love experience. The song itself is a strong reflection of what I wish I can do and be strong enough to do it.

Perri penned the song about a serial heartbreaker she once dated. The singer stated in her blog the story behind the tune: "I wrote the song after I went home to Philadelphia for the holiday last December. I sat in my childhood bedroom and hid from the boy (with the jar of hearts) who wanted to see me. My heart wanted to see him, my head knew better." The song's music video was directed by Jay Martin and was shot on a soundstage designed as a New York City street.

Christina Perri
Jar Of Hearts lyrics

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I've learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

Deep deep inside...

It has been a couple of rough weeks, people passed on, furkids passed on, somehow I noticed mournful notice these past weeks. My condolences, time may not heal every wound, but it will get better, memories stay on to be remembered.

Realised that life is short, never know when it's going to end. I braved myself to ask someone very important in my life to come over for a visit to Singapore. He agreed, though not too sure when. I find myself thinking what am I looking for in his coming here, or rather what am I hoping for? 7 years isn't enough for me to let him go, will I be able to if I meet him one last time. A closure? I feared, what if our meeting ended up with me holding on still to the newest memories and carry it with me for the rest of my life.

Honestly stupid!

I was talking to my BFF about Dy, then she asked if I still think of him sometimes. I said he is no longer important, but I do think of him some time, about once or twice a month. An innocent confession from my side, which she countered, "Well, if someone is in your mind at least once a month for don't know how many years, I don't think he is unimportant".

My reaction: STUNNED!